YOU NEED tO bE LiKED but YOU'RE ENTRELY unlikEaBLE. It's a ReaL QuandaRy.
show me your middle finger and I'll show you mine.
GENERATIVE AI WILL NOT MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. PROBABLY WORSE, REALLY
I SWEAR THAT WASN'T ME
I DON'T BELIEVE I'M A MANIAC BUT THEN SOMETIMES I DO THINGS THAT ONLY A MANIAC WOULD DO. KIND OF A GLARING HOLE IN MY THEORY.
on your dreams Unless it's about creating a master race. Let that one go.
BUT IT'S SO STUPID...
YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME
I WANT TO LIVE IN THAT FLEETING MOMENT BETWEEN THINKING I DID A GOOD JOB AND REMEMBERING IT WILL NEVER STAY THAT WAY
Take the L
They just don't make leading men as blatantly racist, misogynistic, and homophobic as they did in my day.
I LIKE PARTNERS TO BE LIKE MY COFFEE; BLINDINGLY STRONG taimspirations
Boys don't cry
I'M SORRY I'M ACTING LIKE THIS CONVERSATION IS TEDIOUS. IT'S JUST THAT IT IS.
Sometimes I just run the water for a few seconds so anyone outside the bathroom thinks I washed my hands.
ANTI-WOKE BRANDS ARE A PINK TAX FOR NAZIS
Most of us are one, maybe two bad decisions away from homelessness.
I repeat myself frequently. Did I already tell you that?
COFFEE IS WHAT GETS YOU STARTED ADDERALL KEEPS YOU GOING
I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING, BUT...
DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME UNTIL IVE HAD MY COFFEE... AND THE GOVERNMENT HAS STARTED PROTECTING MARGINALIZED POPULATIONS
MAYBE VOU SHOULDN'T RETWEET NAZIS AND WHITE SUPREMACISIS. UNLESS YOU ARE ONE, I GUESS
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SHOOT YOUR SHOT, SHOOT FOR THE MOON IT'S, LIKE, 2000 MILES WIDE, SO IF YOU MISS, THAT'S ON YOU
DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG?
THEY SHOULD TEACH YOU MORE ABOUT CRUSHING DEBT IN HOME EC
YOU CAN'T EXFOLIATE A SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM
YOU WERE MORE INTERESTING WHEN I WAS HIGH
Loving IPAs doesn't count as having a personality.
SOMETIMES I MAKE COOL THINGS IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID MAKING THE THINGS IM SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING.
IS SUPPOSED TO HURT THIS MUCH?
I'M SELF-TAUGHT AND HOO BOY AM I A BAD TEACHER
I'm about to attempt to beat my nine-month record for remaining in the fetal position
You are a well-adjusted productive member of a society to which you yearn to belong. April Fools!
I have a lot riding on the world ending
ACAB All cops are Barbie, maybe. #dispirations
In case you need to hear it, it's ok to the your pet more than you like most people
YES JESUS RESURRECTED TO FIGHT FOR YOUR GUN RIGHTS.
Hey, sorry about existing. This can't be easy for you
I FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE WHICH OBVIOUSLY MEANS SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE
YOU THINK IT'S BAD NOW?
I don't mind when you fart
HAVE YOU TRIED APPLE CIDER VINEGAR FOR THAT UNBEARABLE SENSE OF DREAD?
Sometimes I miss idealism.
YOU'VE BEEN TRAINED TO THINK THAT IF IT'S EASY, YOU SHOULDN'T GET PAID FOR IT. BUT THAT'S JUST CALLED BEING GOOD AT YOUR JOB.
I'VE WORKED HARD FOR THIS SENSE OF UTTER DISILLUSIONMENT
I identify as godless slut
HOW MANY WORST SEAR EVERS DO WE GET, EACH?
SORRY FOR INTERRUPTING IT'S HOW I MANTIAN INTEREST. SUCKS FOR BOTH OF US, I KNOW.
YOUR ARGUMENT IS MORE STRAW MAN THAN AN ATHEIST IN A KIRK CAMERON FILM
if YoUR BELiEfS tRaumalize ChiLDRen NEED SOME nEW bELiEfS
I'M EXHAUSTED FROM PRETENDING TO BE OK
You left an item in your cart. Would 50% off seal the deal before the hangover wears off?
The internet has allowed Gen-X to stay on top of slang longer than their predecessors. Sounds mid, but low-key slaps. Did I do it right?
HAPPY NATIONAL FEEL SOMETHING ANYTHING FOR ONCE DAY
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU YOU'RE STILL EMPLOYED
i have one fuck left to give ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO USE IT ON THIS?
YOUR BRAND IS JUST SPITEFUL FAN FICTION
WELCOME THE MADNESS
I'm sure there's a German word for when eVerything is going well and you're ostensibly happy but you still feel the creeping dread of existence in every bone of your body.
your funeral will probably be adequately attended.
THANKS, SANDRA. IT'S LOOKING LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE SUNNY BUT WE'RE EXPECTING INTERMITTENT SHOWERS OF INEXPLICABLE AND ALL-CONSUMING DESPAIR LATER THIS AFTERNOON AND INTO WEDNESDAY. BACK TO YOU. #dispirations
I HOPE I NEVER GROW TOO COLD TO APPRECIATE THE WONDERS AROUND ME
(repeating lemon background) I REPEAT MYSELF FREQUENTLY Did I already tell you that?
I CHOOSE DOPAMINE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY
SELF-FLAGELLATION IS CARDIO
REMIND ME WHAT YOUR POINT WAS I CAN ONLY FEIGN INTEREST FOR SO LONG
SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID THEY FEED THE LIONS ON NOAH'S ARK? you HAVEN'T ANSWERED THE QUESTION YET.
nothing lasts forever WHICH IS GOOD: NEWS/BAD NEDS DEPENDING ON THE THING.
TWENTY TWENTY FOUR AGO I wanna be sedated
BENG ABOND PEO MAKES NYE FEND LENELY
THE RICH ARE TOO RICH
Jat once I'd like to do nothing without feeling like I should be doing something
I MIGHT PUT TOO MUCH SUFFERING INTO REDUCING SUFFERING
(burnt heart) ouch my heart
(FROWN upside-down) it's still a frown, it's just upside-down now
EVERYTHING KEEPS GOING MY WAY AND DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PRIVILEGE WORKS.
I ordered an adult's meal and it didn't come with an adult toy. Money back, please
If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as critical of me as you are.
I FEEL PRETTY EMOTIONALLY STABLE TODAY AND IT'S KINDA FREAKIN' ME OUT
(illustration of male with mullet) LONG MULLET ENERGY
dog person. cất person. vegetarian. WHAT'LL IT BE?
MANY PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE OF THE ETHER BUNNY. I ENVY THEM.
I'm just looking for the optimal level of anxiety, one cup of coffee at a time.
I'm just eyeballing it, but that's a pretty big void you got there. I'd say you'll need at least 25, maybe 30 cats to fill it.
I wouldn't choose flight or invisibility, I would choose to be an octopus.
There are a few good parts.
I'm late, but I made it, and I'm still not sure I want to be here
It's ok to figure it out whenever you figure it out.
I make questionable decisions.
You're somebody's least favorite co-worker, too
But you're beautiful on the inside, right?
Thank you from the bottom of my tiny, cold heart
I often feel unlovable.
Wealthy, widowed, and very fit men are just waiting for you to accept their friend request. It's not a scam. You're too smart to be scammed.
I have worked for over a decade to cement my position as weird uncle without, you know, being too weird
Uh oh, this is starting to feel WOKE and my pastor warned us about this
I wish I was half as confident as ChatGPT when spitting absolute horseshit.
Let's schedule a skip-level 1:1 to sync up on your stretch goals for Q3
Look out! It's one of those drag shows you've heard about.
I don't think any amount of hugs can fix me.
I've been so busy today I haven't had time to stare into the abyss at all
Murder your darlings. Look it up.
Sure, you're just a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. Aren't we all?
Happy National STFU Day! Let's have a moment of silence.
(Shower stall) I took a shower today, so I guess that's one thing.
You don't need to impress anybody. Not that you could.
(Bottle of face cream) Have you tried our new infantilizing cream?
(Woman screaming over a city background) Does this adorable teen angst come in an adult size?
(colorful paint background) It's ok, I was being ironic
I think there's too much talk about how there's too much talk about Taylor Swift.
(ID badge on lanyard) I've already forgotten your name. Don't take it personally.
(Clock face) A broken clock is still wrong 98.96% of the time
(Colorful smoke background) No thank you.
(Funky colored background) FML
(Cross-stitch that says FML) Yes Dylan, your ironic cross-stitch is very amusing.
(robot head) I asked my date to show me all of their photos containing traffic lights. They haven't called me back. I think it's because they were a bot.
(Wheatgrass smoothie in a glass) Sorry, I'm doing a friend detox.
That. Right there. That's why nobody wants to hang out with us, Tyler.
(Picture of coffee mug from top) Yes Christy, your novelty coffee mug is hilarious.
(Man's grizzled face with Russian-looking text) Stop Everything. I see a cat that needs petting.
(Illustration of devil horns gesture) Heavy Metal Saves Lives
(Obscured text over duck wallpaper) What the actual fuck?
(pouting boy) I wish my job was better at me.
Some of my best friends are demographics.
Socially Exceptable
Sometimes I think things that I know I shouldn't say but then I do almost like I can't help it.
(lipstick and box) You have resting microaggression face.
Self regulation - when everybody is too busy with their shit to help you with your shit and you have to deal with your own shit.
(Surgeons in surgery) Relax, this is my second rodeo.
ADHD isn't really working for me, can I try a different one?
YOUR DIET WILL FAIL AND YOU'LL LOOK THE SAME AND YOU'LL BE BEAUTIFUL AND IT SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT BUT THAT'S THE WORLD WE LIVE IN
Invest in yourself. Or buy NFTs, same thing.
I've Seen Some Shit
(Script font) Depression and Anxiety, together forever
Unleashing chaos actually takes a disappointing amount of planning. I'm still planning to unleash chaos.
Male.alpha, male.beta, male.release candidate, male 1.0
(Cheerful woman) Have you tried existential dread? All the cool kids are doing it.
(sad man) Sorry I made it uncomfortable. Again.
(Keyboard with the latters DAMMIT on the home row)
I forget why I came in here.
Your parents really should be the ones paying your therapy bills, but that's not going to happen, is it?
A non-trivial portion of your paycheck goes to fund genocide.
DEI Outrage is performative, just like DEI. At least we can stop talking about CRT outrage now, right?
I can make a website in a day but right now I can't find my car keys.
There were never two sets of footprints. You need to get used to dealing with shit on your own.
More freedom for them doesn't mean less freedom for you. You absolute potato.
You have my undivided attention. But even if you divided it, it's still zero. It's math.
(Cup of coffee) I would stay up past 9pm for you.
Must be nice having a soul.
I can't wait to look back and think about all the times I made money for some guy I've never met.
It's ok, I was going to cancel if you didn't.
The hardest part of being in my 20s is being constantly reminded that I'm 45.
Hell no. Fuck all the way off.
(flames) Just spitballing here, but what if I: 1. create some creatures. 2. Offer no clear evidence of my existence. 3. Burn them forever if they don't believe in me.
Perfect comeback. Flawless Victory. If only you'd thought of it in the moment.
(neon sign) When does it start to feel better?
If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but you gotta get outta here before the cops show up.
(child sitting in school hall, graffiti on wall) If you grow up you can be anything we want
I'm sorry you're alone on Valentine's day, but seriously, you had it coming.
If it's really expensive booze, it's not alcoholism, it's just good taste. No YOU have a problem.
Your smile is not as convincing as you think.
You say potato, I say potato, because we're both English-speaking adults and we know how to say potato. But yeah, let's call the whole thing off.
If we're being honest, I wouldn't swipe right on me, either.
(picture of sad puppy) Sorry it happened again.
There might be a dimension in which you didn't just fuck that up.
(cheerleader with megaphone) It's loud because it's true shouts your ever-critical inner voice.
If you wanted the benefit of the doubt, maybe you shouldn't have been such a dick.
Geographic changes won't fix you. Wherever you go, there your anxieties are.
Ever wonder why the darkest thoughts seem the most realistic?
(with Wu Clan logo) Capitalism Ruins Everything Around Me
I couldn't get into succession.
So many people are burdened by dreams, talent, and passion. It must be freeing to be so unencumbered.
(Person covering mouth looking shocked) I bet that sounded better in your head.
(Person with a paper bag over their head) That's what I meant, not the awkward shit I just said.
Don't worry about what anybody thinks of your outfit. We're all just impressed you dressed yourself today.
Your dedication to being utterly unlikeable deserves recognition. A shitty coffee mug, maybe.
This really hasn't been your decade, has it?
If my life is an unfinished book then you are writer's block.
Life is a wide open field. Likely full of snakes and a few piles of crap you'll almost definitely step in.
When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, watch out for clowns.
If you ever truly considered the question
(Illustration of man crawling on the ground looking for something) Please watch your step! I'm trying to find my will to go on. I'm sure it's around here somewhere.
Turns out the reason EVERYTHING YOU DO IS PISSING ME OFF might be that I have some unresolved issues of my own. Shit, sorry, that's my bad.
Life never gives you more than you'll have time to regret in your final moments.
(Large red F) The way you learn is different from the way we teach. Bummer.
Sometimes you have to love yourself despite being widely considered the primary reason not to.
That silence. I'm sure it's just everybody agreeing with you. And noting how good looking you are.
Sure I'll work the weekend to prove your plan is untenable.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal. Except for organ failure. That almost always is.
Stop equating stupidity with bravery.
If you're tired of giving up, stop starting.
It's so brave of you to post on Instagram.
Just smile more. Of course you can't just think depression away. Not with that attitude.
Share your feelings at every opportunity. Everyone already dislikes you anyway.
If you could profit from self-pity, you'd be a raging success.
if you were surprised by what the bathroom scale said this morning, don't worry. Your memory is just failing at the same rate your waist is expanding.
Don't focus on saving the world. I mean look at you. You're a mess.
I'm pretty sure the world will end before you have to worry about your retirement savings.
I can tell you're really trying and honestly it's hard to watch.
That thing you've been scared to do probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
I'm sure a lot of people practice looking friendly in the mirror. Not just you. Probably.
Plan A (crossed out). Plan B and 24 more chances to fail.
Pain is temporary. So is joy. It's kind of a wash.
I'd like this open plan office better if I could stand any of you.
If your goals were obscurity and obsolescence, stand proud. Few people achieve their life goals, and rarely so early in life.
Today is not your day.
Nobody Noticed. Knowing you, that's probably a relief.
If you vow to live your life with no regrets, it's guaranteed to go wrong, and now you're a liar.
You can't start the next chapter of your life until this one is finished, and jesus, this is just unreadable trash.
This year you're really going to nail it. Wait, didn't you say that last year?
You should be having more fun right now. Guess you should have thought of that earlier, huh?
Thank you, I was concerned you might not have a marginally relevant anecdote to make this about you.
You'll have to shout, I can barely hear you over the din of manufactured outrage.
If you speak derisively in absolutes because you want to change my opinion, it's working. I now have a very low opinion of you.
It's OK, we had really, really low expectations.
If you can't find someone to love you today, take matters into your own hands and love yourself repeatedly and enthusiastically.
It's funny how you said it louder and more sarcastically and I'm still not getting it.
You look so lifelike today.
I know life looks dark right now, but at least you haven't run face first into a wall yet.
Know your body. Bad decisions, inaction, unavoidable reality, water.
Keep failing. Eventually that first attempt will seem almost passable.
It can always get worse.
Instead of sending pics of your genetalia, please read the following articles and give me your response.
It's not imposter syndrome if we all think you're faking it, too.
If you grow up you can be anything we want
I hope you can swim, because it looks like your lifeboat is sinking, too
Have a day. One that's adequate but not so nice that, in comparison, the invevitable downturn seems worse than necessary.
I'm so embarrassed. I really thought that was your halloween costume.
Don't let grudges weigh you down. They might fit in a roller bag. It's worth a shot.
Good things happen to bad people, which is clearly working out in your favor.
It's almost definitely everybody else's fault that nobody likes going to parties with you.
This is a god damn mess.
If you go to bed angry, you'll wake up grumpy, and then the day can only get better from there.
A new dawn, a new week, a new chance to get it right for once.
Always remember how entirely forgettable you are.
Your dreams have the same expiration date as you.
Great catching up with you but I need to rinse this enui off before it gets sticky.
If you count more people as enemies than count you as enemies, that's just emotionally inefficient. Let go of grudges or declare war? Kidding, I know you. I'll leave your broadsword by the door.
Don't sweat the small stuff, none of it is going to matter soon anyway, trust me! Memento mori.
You'd be more successful if you stopped doing it wrong.
If disapproval were nickels, my inheritance would set me up for life.
Despite what literally everybody else is saying, I don't think you're a total disaster.
I think we can all agree this meeting could have been a text message.
Chill, some of them aren't even looking at you.
I know you're worried that going on meds might change your personality, but I assure you we're ok with that.
Celebrate your successes every day. Quietly, in your cubicle.
If you burn down someone else's dream, you can hide your emptiness in the ashes.
The world is dark enough. Stop being such a black hole.
I guess I'd say my biggest weakness is my inability to suppress smartass responses to questions I think are stupid.
You don't have to be amazing. We know you, just shoot for adequate.
I don't know why I keep apologizing for everything today. Sorry, that's my bad.
Be the change we all want to see in you
I knew by the age of 5 that my thinking was aberrant. Fortunately it only took me until the age of 40 to stop feeling internally ashamed of it.
You're not having a bad day, everyone else is just having a better one